


Coming Out

by skipping_skittles



Category: Original Work
Genre: LGBT, Letter, Personal Experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 13:30:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skipping_skittles/pseuds/skipping_skittles
Summary: A confessional letter written by myself about my experiences of gathering up the courage to come out of the closet as a gay man.





	Coming Out

Throughout the years of my life, I’ve faced many challenges that I found extremely difficult to overcome for many reasons. I suspect the same truth can be applied to anybody in the world. Although admittedly my problems can be considered small problems compared to others and I hold my hands up to that.

And it’s not even major challenges, although it might have seemed like it at the time. For example, I was terrified of leaving primary school and making the big leap to secondary school. For one thing, my best friend in the whole wide world wasn’t coming with me. Even today I still miss her, I only saw her a couple of times after leaving primary.

But for another, it was taking that giant leap into the unknown. Some of my fellow peers were coming with me to this school, but I was worried about everybody else. Would they all be bullies? Would I make any friends? My mind to this day is still very imaginative and I constantly fear the worst. It’s definitely a flaw of mine.

Things were fine though. I still remember that first day, even if most of those years are now blurry to my memory now (and the saddest thing it wasn’t even that long ago when I was at school, having finished my education in the year of 2015).

I was terrified, but things were fine. And I’ve find that out with most things. Be it getting into college or finding a job. I always fear the worse and even though some things don’t pan out the way I would have hoped, things always had a way of working out and it didn’t feel as bad as it could have been. I tried to get into the Navy and I failed because I lacked life experience. No harm, no foul. I don’t regret taking that interview, I’m glad I did it and I carry it with me.

Ultimately, that is all part of life and what growing up is all about. You take those experiences with you and face the next challenge. I still get worried about certain things like picking up the phone to call the doctor’s; but I just get on with it.

The real reason I’m writing this though is to reflect on the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face. One that constantly brought me down and made me feel like a disgusting liar who was constantly ashamed of himself. How over dramatic does this sound, you might ask?

It is, but it shouldn’t have had to have been. Because the challenge was accepting my sexuality.

Even when I was a little boy, I think I knew deep down I wasn’t the same as other boys. Oh don’t get me wrong, I still got in the mud and ran about like an eejit. I would say I kicked a football around, but I hated football (and still do!). However I had lots of fun playing video games or playing tag with everybody in class. I was probably at my most free spirited when I was in primary school.

However, I got butterflies in my stomach when I saw certain actors and singers on the television. I probably watched Fantastic Four more times than that movie warranted (despite the fabulous Laurie Holden) to see a shirtless Chris Evans play around with fire. I felt funny watching Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi kick ass in those outfits of theirs in the Star Wars prequels (a series that I will forever cherish for many reasons than just a gay awakening).

Still. I brushed all of that aside. I even had a girlfriend for like a month. It never occurred to me that I could be gay to be honest. I was way too young for one thing, that concept was just alien to me. I grew up in a household where it did seem like LGBT was frowned upon, with the “poofs” on television shows such as Emmerdale and Eastenders.

But puberty kicked in, and with puberty came the realisation. Late second year, or perhaps even early third year is when I knew. The funniest thing is it came from a photoshopped image of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter in bed together (they weren’t doing anything naughty, however). I was mad about Harry Potter Fanfiction during those years, I would read all sorts of stories.

But that picture spoke to me in a way I doubt any will ever be able to do again. I just knew I was gay. It made everything in my past click.

Almost immediately I tried to deny it. I could just imagine my dad disowning me for it. I didn’t want to admit to anyone, much less myself that it was true. I had a feeling my mum might accept me for who I was, but it was just a feeling and overtime I was certain that it wouldn’t be the case.

I tried to hide away from that realisation, but as I said puberty kicked in. Before it was actors and singers, but then it was boys in my year and a couple of older ones.

I honestly felt so lonely. The worst thing was I thought everybody must deep down have known on some level, although I would have vehemently denied it if it was ever brought up. It wasn’t like I was a camp gay or anything (although my musical taste was kinda stereotypical) but I was very quiet and withdrawn in those years even though I did have friends to hang out with.

The years passed, I developed more crushes and all of it felt so hopeless. I told myself that I didn’t have to tell anybody. I could live my life single if it came down to it. Even if the temptation came up to tell somebody, I would squash it down. I figured it would only be possible once I got my own house and was able to defend for myself.

Last year was still the same. I was just getting on with my life, with my job. So much has happened in the past few years and I feel like I’m constantly getting pushed by the tide of the ocean, letting life drifting me wherever I go. It’s a habit I still need to break out of. But I was still convinced I wouldn’t let anybody in my darkest secret.

Of course, the coming out movie Love Simon ended up released. Considering the subject matter, I was obviously interested in this film. I wouldn’t dare watch it on cinema however, perhaps I would wait until it was out on DVD and watch it when I was sure nobody would see me watching it in case they suspected.

And that’s what I did. And I cried so much watching it. It was like watching a movie of my life, at least everything before Simon comes out. I felt exactly like Simon in that film.

I came out to that my friend that night. I still remember texting her through What’sApp with a lengthy post. She was extremely understanding and so supportive. I told my other friend too. She was the same. I felt extremely loved and so glad for that.

But the thing is whilst the pair of them are amongst the best friends I’ve ever had in my life, I’ve never met them in person. Whilst it was hard to tell them because I felt like I had lied to them ever since I knew them, in some ways it was also easy because they weren’t in my life even though I’ve told them a lot of personal stuff about myself to them.

This is by no means to discredit them and if they read this I hope they don’t get that impression. They were the first people I told after all, the first people I trusted to do so. But it is a lot different to tell somebody you’ve met on the internet compared to your own family and friends.

Which brings me to another thing. I mentioned I felt like I lied to them since I known them. And in some ways this is why I’m writing this ridiculously long winded letter out. I met them on the The Spoiling Dead Fan’s Forum, a spoiler forum dedicated to The Walking Dead. On there I kinda led everybody on with the assumption that I had this mad passionate crush over Sophie Turner.

It makes me laugh thinking about, because in some ways it is a happy coincidence. It is true that I followed Sophie’s every work like a lost puppy but it had nothing to do with me being attracted to her. I was just a massive fan of her as an actress, not to mention the personality she showed the world through the usage of social media.

I’ve grown up a lot since then and I looked back with both embarrassment and a sense of nostalgia over that. But I did feel guilty all the same. It felt like I was always lying.

So you can imagine what it must have felt like with my feelings about my own family. My count could be off, but I reckon it must have been seven or eight years I kept my sexuality a secret from my family. That is a long time to keep something like this a secret. Impossibly long.

And that lies my biggest challenge. Telling my parents that I was gay, and facing the courage to do so. I didn’t plan on doing it anytime soon despite having told my friends.

Yet I watched Love Simon again, this time with Liquor Courage. I drank heavily that night. It was September, 2018. It was one of those nights where I just felt like drinking myself stupid. I rarely drink but I had no intention of anything stopping me from doing that, just like I had no intention of telling my parents anything that night.

Fate brought it that it was just me and my dad that were the last ones up. If you still remember what I wrote earlier because I’ve rambled long on and on, he was the one I was worried about the most over his reaction. I could just imagine him kicking me out of the house. I was petrified.

But I was drunk as fuck. And a sort of quiet moment just passed over me, and I felt it was time. I still remember every (drunken and slurred) word I told him.

I cried. He cried and hugged me. Told me he was proud of me, so damn proud and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. That I was his son and always would be his son.

It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He sent me to my bed, and he told my mum the next day. My mum told me the same, I had nothing to be ashamed of and that she loved me. It was 2018 and I could be whoever I wanted to be.

Well it’s 2019 now. The people I love and trust the most in the world all know. I wrote this because recently I’ve been looking at the typical gay dating websites, something I never ever thought I would do in a million years. So far it’s not really my scene but I’m new to it. I needed to pour all my feelings and reflections out so I can look back at how far I’ve come.

Because that was by far my biggest challenge of my life. And I’m proud to have overcome it, but I need a reminder that there are still some things I need to work on and overcome. If I can do that, I can do anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Now, I know it’s crazy posting something like this on a website that is dedicated to writing fanfiction for all sorts of fandoms. But this is very important to me, and I’m using it as a way to also build up on my own writing as I’ve recently felt a keen interest on going down this path. This letter will be the foundation of that and hopefully I get something out of it. 
> 
> I do plan on writing actual stories for actual fandoms. This will be the only thing of its kind I will post.


End file.
